whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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