goodnight i made you a song goodbye
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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