thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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