I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
