My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
