I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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