I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
