Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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