great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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