I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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