omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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