I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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