My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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