I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
