my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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