i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
