I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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