yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
