This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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