K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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