she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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