Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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