Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
