i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
