omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
