I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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