oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
