just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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