You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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