yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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