Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
