so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
