When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
