I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
