it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
