This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
