what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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