The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
