I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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