can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
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