I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
