david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
