I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
