For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
