Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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