I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
