I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Randomize
