jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
MIDGETS
????
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
