six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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