Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
