best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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