I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
