Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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